BOOK
WATCH
“Before
You Take His Name”
Author Robin May gives 14 questions to consider before saying "I Do" in her book, "Before You Take His Name".
Author: ROBIN M. MAY
Credits: Author,
motivational speaker, relationship coach
Family Stats: Married to husband, Lee; one daughter, Ryann
Kimberly
Book Title: “Before You Take
His Name"
Description: A 125-page, quick
read offering 14 questions to consider in making a decision about a future
spouse
Get it: Book pre-orders available at Robin's website, www.virtuespeaks.com
VERTICAL
FIX: Robin, how long have you been married?
ROBIN MAY: After dating Lee
for 8 years we were married in 2002. We’ve been married six incredible years.
What
inspired “Before You Take His Name”?
Over
the years, in helping to build healthy relationships, I was often asked, by
women in particular, how to know if someone is ‘the one.’ I realized that many women were making a
decision to spend the rest of their lives with someone solely based on being
attracted to the person or based on some fairy-tale feeling. That’s not enough.
I felt God leading me to provide a resource to women that expressed His heart
for two people joining together for a lifetime.
What makes
this book different from others like it?
The
reality is that there are hundreds of books, very good ones actually, that deal
with ‘how to know if he is the one’ or ‘before you say I do’. While those books
are great, many of them are really deep or really long. What makes this book
different is that it’s a very quick read that gives the reader 14 questions to
consider in making a decision about a future spouse. In addition, there are
special features: A man’s perspective (where my husband shares a few thoughts);
a place for the reader to journal their thoughts; 3 women share how they knew
their spouse was the one, and 2 other women share how they thought someone was
the one and realized they were wrong. All of that in a quick 125-page book! I’m
really excited about it!
In
addition to your real life experience of being happily married for six years, what
is your background in relationship coaching?
I’ve
been dealing with relationship development for almost six years…as long as
we’ve been married. I’ve also completed a Biblical Counseling program, a
Christian Teachers training program, I am trained in using the PREPARE/ENRICH
program for pre-marital counseling and I have a masters degree in Professional
Counseling. Also, my husband and I have been teaching a relationship class, “Getting
to Know You,” at our church for about four years.
What have you observed in relationships around you?
Well,
to be honest, I really believe that people want to do what’s right with regards
to marriage. In other words, I don’t’ believe that people enter marriage without
hope that it will last. The problem is that we don’t know how to build a
healthy relationship. We are taking advice from mama ‘nem who haven’t always
had the greatest success in marriage/relationships. If we are going to be
successful in our marriages we must go to the One that created marriage. What
did God intend? What should our
marriages look like? Most people I counsel are having problems because one
spouse, or both, refuses to sacrifice because of pride or fear. Without sacrifice,
there will be no reward.
What
is one important piece of advice you can offer women who are about
to get married?
To
lay their expectations at the altar!
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in having a standard. I believe in non-negotiables. But the bottom
line is that if we are going to have a successful marriage, we must be willing
to let go of our unrealistic expectations and be open to what God wants to do
for us and through us in our marriage! That’s
hard for a lot of women…especially because women are marrying later in life and
they are accustomed to doing things their way. But I always say, if you want to
keep doing it your way, do it by yourself. Don’t get married, period.
What
about the men? Will there be a follow up to this
book for the men…something like, “Before You Share Your Name”?
Lee and I have been toying with that idea. Actually we plan on hosting quarterly seminars
for the book and would open it up for men because Lee would give a male
perspective. But if I could give every man a piece of advice I would say, treat
every woman like she was your mom or sister.
Even if she isn’t acting in a way that is respectful, still respect her.
To be honored, cherished and respected by a man is every woman’s desire…even if
she doesn’t know it.
What
info do you want to share with women who are anxious to get married? Is
there some kind of self-check list that you recommend women do, or that you did before
you got married?
Yes! I actually have a “Relationship Readiness”
assessment on my site. It’s eight questions so I won’t go into it now, but I do
want to stress this: If you are afraid
of being alone or if you are desperate for someone in your life, you are not
ready! I know it seems the opposite. We think, “If I’m lonely, I need a man.”
But the reality is that “yes” we need relationships. We were created with a
need for companionship. But if we depend
on someone, our mama, sister, boyfriend or husband to meet all of our needs, we
will always be left feeling like something is missing. Before getting married
we must make sure that we have allowed God to heal us from our old wounds or in
the areas that we’ve been broken. Only then will we be healthy enough to love
and to even accept true love. I had to do it myself. Lee and I went through so many ups and downs
that if we married during our first engagement (yes, there was more than one),
we would have dealt with way more heartache than God intended. I had to allow
God to heal me, and allow Him to truly prepare me for marriage.
What
things did you learn after you got married that you wished you knew before you
took Lee’s name?
I
am still learning so much. I try and
emphasize in the book that while I’ve been called to help people learn how to
build healthy relationships, I am not perfect and I am open to continually be
processed. I believe that we all have seasons in our life in which God is
dealing with us on a particular issue. Right now I’m in a season where God is
teaching me to simply relax in my marriage…to realize that we are not perfect
and its okay. I think that because we often teach together on the topic of
relationships, whenever I see an inkling of a problem, I start over-analyzing
and trying to figure out how to fix it. God is reminding me to relax.
What
is your ultimate goal with this book? What do you want it to accomplish?
My
wildest dream? To be on Oprah telling
the world that marriage was God’s idea and He does all things well. My more
realistic goal? I really want “Before
You Take His Name” to be a tool that women use to challenge how they’ve
dealt with relationships in the past, to help them change their mindset in the
present and to help them have a godly, honorable marriage in the future. I
believe that men can even be a part of this process. The book can be used by a
man to challenge his special friend with the same questions.
What else do you
want to say about marriage?
Marriage
has been given a bad rap. This concept
of open marriages or swinging is a distortion of the real thing. Somehow we’ve
forgotten that God created the institute of marriage and that when done in a
manner that glorifies Him, it can be the most thrilling experience of our life.
It’s not easy but most things worth having aren’t easy. I pray that “Before You Take His Name” can play a small part in
helping people develop a marriage that brings them great joy.
©2008 VERTICAL FIX, LLC
